Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
