I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
