I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
