My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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