If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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