it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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