Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
