Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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