Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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