it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Verdict: uncircumcised.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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