The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
