She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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