Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
