don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
