i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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