I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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