At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
MIDGETS
????
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
