mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
