You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
