when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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