I met the friendliest cop last night
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
