I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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