I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
