She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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