my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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