I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
