Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He better not be in your backpack
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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