He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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