Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
