Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
