but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
