When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Randomize
