saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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