there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
