He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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