Yo dont text me then not text me
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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