Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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