I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
