that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
