Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
