Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
