suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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