Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
