I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
