By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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