this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
