You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
