remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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