I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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