just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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