I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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